Disorder in a court

Excerpt from those books  :

Humor in the Court, Jerome Collin and Melba Tarakan, eds., National Shorthand Reporters Association, 1977.
More Humor in the Court, Mary Louise Gilman, ed., National Shorthand Reporters Association, 1984.
Disorder in a court, Charles M Sevilla

Defense Counsel: How do you feel about criminal defense attorneys?
Prospective Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Counsel: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution?
Prospective Juror: What makes you think that? I hate prosecutors too.

Prospective Juror: Judge, I would like to be excused from jury duty because my wife is about to become pregnant.
Attorney: Judge, he doesn't mean his wife is about to become pregnant; he means she is about to deliver.
Judge: He may be excused. In either case he should be present.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because my lawyer isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to lawyer): Do you have any comments on defendant's motion?
Lawyer: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Judge: All right. Any other questions?
Defendant: How can you sentence an innocent man to prison?
Judge: It is part of my job.

Attorney: Now, Officer, besides the flushed face, the weaving motion, the staggering gait, and the odor of alcohol emitting from his breath, did you
notice anything else unusual about the defendant before you arrested him?
Officer: Yes. His speech was slick and third--or sick and furled--or I mean he was very incoherent.
Attorney: I understand.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant,sir?
Defendant: No, sir. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

Attorney: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with Mr. Jones in Miami?
Witness: No.

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Attorney: What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Attorney: Did he kill you?

Attorney: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Attorney: Were you alone or by yourself?

Attorney: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Attorney: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
Witness: That's me.
Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Attorney: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Attorney: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Attorney: Do you know how far you are pregnant now?
Witness: I'll be three months on November 8.
Attorney: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at the time?

Attorney: Mrs. Smith, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Attorney: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: Four times.

Attorney: So you were gone until you returned?

Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?

Attorney: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Witness: No.

Attorney: Wasn't this dog your favorite dog? Weren't you the favorite of the dog?
Witness: He never specified that. He never related that to me.

Attorney General: Would the Court like me to put a very brief statement on the record about the discovery that was made today?
Judge: No.
Defense Attorney: No
Judge (to reporter): Would you like him to do that, Cathy?
Reporter: No.

Attorney: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs that went down to the basement, did they go up also?

Attorney: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.

Attorney: Were you alone in the car?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Were you driving?

Attorney: I'm going to object to that last statement by the witness... and ask that it be struck from the witness.

Witness: Your honor, I'd like to strike the next question.

Attorney: Are you the husband of the defendant? I mean of the plaintiff?
Witness: I'm the wife.

Attorney: You're not working for the defendant, are you?
Witness: No sir.
Attorney: I mean, he hasn't paid you off to come in here and lie for him, has he?
Witness: No, sir. He doesn't make that kind of money.

Attorney: Your honor, may we approach the bench?
Judge: What's the purpose? We have no jury.
Attorney: Oh, I'm sorry, I--that's my favorite line, sir.

Attorney: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
Witness: Well a gal down the road had several of her children by Dr. Cheney, and she said he was really good.

Attorney: Doctor, what treatment did you give this man?
Doctor: I cleansed the wound, sutured it, and put him to bed with a nurse.

Attorney: Could that be based on real symptoms, or would it be malingering, or both?
Independent Medical Examiner: It may be both. And we have a phrase for that in the orthopedic community, "green poultice treatment."
Attorney: What does that mean?
IME: "Green poultice treatment" means the pain will go away once a green poultice, or stack of money, is placed over the injury.

Attorney: And what did you see when the defendant pulled down his pants?
Witness: It looked like a penis, only smaller.

Attorney: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edgington at the Rose Chapel?
Pathologist: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Edgington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Pathologist: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: 38 or 25, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he  woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning prusuant to a deposition notice?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather  elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

                                               Again some more ?????

 What is your brother-in-law's name?
Borofkin.
What's his first name?
I can't remember.
He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell.
And what is your marital status?
Fair.

Are you married?
No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn't know about.

And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.

Were you aquainted with the deceased?
Yes, sir.
Before or after he died?

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.

When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral.

What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
It was covered?
Yes, bandaged.
Then, later on.. what did you see?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.

What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

Do you drink when you're on duty?
I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.

Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.

The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.

that's all folks !